Poems of S 1

Poems of S...

Spontaniety...
Stress...
Sickness...
Soliliquy...
Sadness...
Sorrow...
Strings...
Senselessnesss...


Shits...


1.
Tit Tat.
Here comes the rain.
No warning
Without Shame.

Taylor Swift singing about pain.
Tit tat.
I hope for the rain.
To move away
"Make me sane!"

2.
Oh, Sloth
Leave me
Though My soul
Almost loathe
I still feel you
near me
Sticking to me
like my skin
Endearly


I long to write,
dance, and beat
with rhythms and melody
But damn you Sloth
has overtaken me...

They say I'll kill you,
Or you will kill me
How can I kill you
when you are inside of me?

Then DEATH!
I have to murder myself
for you Sloth
is a Lover to me

But a damn lover
I don't want to be,
my Spirit says to me.

Yet my flesh
yearns
for a piece of you
in me.

3.
From 2009 to 2010
You still beep me at 2 AM
I wonder does it really mean
you think of me
with feelings that blaze aflame
or you just playin' a game?


Or you just get drunk
And feeling empty again?
You call me, text me,
or wana me with you
At 2AM


Do I get flattered?
Or do I get pissed?
ANd all I wana do
is not to miss
My homey, peacefull bliss
In my dreams, a special abyss

For at 2 AM,
My mind worries
when a text
form words that damn only carries,
five-letter word you see...
It only says,
"Doris..."


***end of PS 1

Offense Is The Best Defense

I have retired from being a so-called preacher of The Word who argues with people in a debate. Approximately two to four years ago, I left that boring and tiring profession. Not for a reason that I would not win in a debate. As a matter of fact, with my wet appetite for biblical knowledge and receiving satisfaction from my filling in with the knowledge of it, and also my love for historical knowledge, I was more likely to win the debate against any issue regarding Christ.

However, I retreated and conceded to the fact that words were not sufficient a tool for people to be convinced that ONE God whose name was the Truth existed. Every person has their own God and their own truth. Most of the time, that perception is unshakeable.

***

When I was in high school, I started to LOVE tremendously heavy, metallic rock music. Like from those bands who wore masks, and the like, and whose songs had the lyrics ( and only lyrics), “ F*ck you...” repeated many times in one song...I remember I could not get off the loud bangs and horrific vocal from my head. When I’d go to my class, the songs kept playing in my freakin’ head. Music was actually like a euphoric tool for me to ease some pain away...

I had my high school in Iloilo, so my addiction for rock music was not so much a pain. I had friends in a band who loved playing rock music and loved it. And, I felt like I was normal when I was there.

Time came when I went back to Cebu where my folks were. In my room, I would play the music, jumping up so high, or on a weird occasion, crying, sobbing...As if the loud beat of the music was my friend trying to console me.

My family didn’t like it. I thought they were just overreacting. A lot of time, they would give a comment of disdain, but one comment really flared me up like I was a rocket ready for takeoff.

“ Are you having drugs? “, asked seriously by my mom. I was, “whooaah”. Just because I liked that music did not mean I was harming myself. I did not reply of course to show my disgust with that kind of questioning.

I thought it was just the music. My mistake. I would then hear myself cursing and screaming. I would like, “ F*ck, Sh*T! “. My look even changed---I had been looking angry all the time. Damn, music probably influenced me in an unconscious manner.

Anyway, I was already a “Christian” at that time. A baby Christian. I just wanted some form of bang bang bang. So, I shifted to a bit friendlier banging music from Christian bands, like P.O.D. ( Payable on Death ). At that time, I only knew very few Christian rock bands. So, I kept listening to POD and had in my head their song like a broken CD ..” now that I know You, I could never turn my back away...Now that I see You, I believe You no matter what they say...IIIIII feel so alive........I can’t deny You”....






***

Jesus said, “ I am THE TRUTH”. People may have their own truth of a form of spirituality, but spirituality’s depth is only seen by how a person lives; how he relates to himself, to others, and to his circumstances. Spirituality is seen by a person’s fruits, not just by the way he professes himself to be.
Christianity, as Jesus established it to be, is NOT a religion, but a lifestyle.

Probably, I don’t need to explain myself and prove to others that what I believe is the right one because I am secure of what I believe in. I claim now that I have no answers to every question. All I know is that when Christ became my Saviour, I have been living in joy, peace, love, hope, and freedom.



***
And you will know the truth, and the truth will set you free.- Jesus ( John 8:32 )

That Kinda Girl

The other night I met a girl
And she looked to be so nice
I asked her for the digits
And she didn't think twice
A couple of days later called her up and asked her out
She said,"with you?" I said, "with me,"
And then she said, "without a doubt"
I took her to the Garden where
I guess they grow the Olives

She wore a tighter skirt
Than any I had seen in college
She said, "I love to smoke and drink
While cursing like a sailor"
I asked her where she got her mouth
And if she had a tailor
Finally I walked her to the door to say goodnight
She said, "I am an apple,
Would you care to take a bite?"
Politely I refused and said, "I'm looking for a lady
So she slapped me in my face and said,
"Boy, you must be crazy"

Different from the ones before
Different from the ones before, she's that kinda girl
Different from the ones before,
Cause I know she loves the Lord
She's that kinda girl, virtuous in every way
The kinda girl that makes you say,
"I hope she comes my way"

Well I'm lookin' for a girl who's virtuous
Cause God laid it on my heart to search for this
So I open up the Word to the book of Proverbs
The 31st chapter tells me all about her
Charm is deceitful and beauty is vain
A woman who fears the Lord, she ain't playin'
Hear what I'm sayin', cause I'm sayin' it clearly
She's the kinda girl I gots to have near me

She's that kinda girl. Different from the ones before
Cause I know she loves the Lord
She's that kinda girl, virtuous in every way,
The kinda girl that makes you say...

Well I'm lookin' into hookin' with a lady
And not a girly of the worl'y that's shady
But the kinda girl you meet
Behind the doors of a church
Ya see, God will bring her to me
So I don't have to search
Too hard I've been scarred by the ones of the past
So put an APB out on the one that will last
A little longer than a roll in the hay for sure
But a bona fide lady's what I'm prayin' for

When I finally meet her, I'll know how to treat her
By fulfilling all her needs
Love her and respect her, cherish her forever
She's the kinda girl for me

She's that kinda girl
Different from the ones before,
Cause I know she loves the Lord
She's that kinda girl, perfect for each other
There'll never be another for me
She's that kinda girl, virtuous in every way
The kinda girl that makes you say
"I hope she comes my way"

Heaven help me, hear my plea
I know there's one who's perfect for me

When I finally meet her, I'll know how to treat her,
By fulfilling all her needs
Love her and respect her, cherish her forever
She's the kinda girl for me

She' the kinda girl for me, the kinda girl for me
She' the kinda girl for me
She' the kinda girl for me, the kinda girl for me
She' the kinda girl for me, I pray she come's my way

She's that kinda girl
Different from the ones before
Cause I know she loves the Lord
She's that kinda girl, virtuous in every way
The kinda girl that makes you say...
She's that kinda girl
Different from the ones before
She's the one that I adore
She's that kinda girl, virtuous in every way
The kinda girl that makes you say
"I hope she comes my way"



written by: Toby Mckeehan

Pfool of Ice Cream

Last night was a night we would call a " baboy moment" or a "pig moment ". Pig moment is a time when we oversleep, oversit while watching TV, overeat, or overeat to the point of not sharing the food to others.

I had my 10th ice cream cone ( with loads of ice cream, of course ), while not noticing of how time had flown when I first had my first cone. The "dirty" ice cream's flavor was a mixture of flour, sugar, milk, mango, and cheap cookies. Nothing to be crazy about. It was not my favorite ice cream. But, nevertheless, I almost finisehd 1 gallon ( can you believe it? )of that shit-like taste. That must have been my most depressing moment hehe...I do extreme stuff when I am sad or stuck with shity emotions.

Sadly, that was my sweet attack toward that kind of emptiness. That sucks.

On the contrary, last Saturday, I had my first step to my "fitness" journey at Cebu City Sports Complex. The thing was, the place brought me to my sad, emo past. When I would be too depressed and heartbroken, I would run that emotion out. Until my legs ached and my heart too exhauseted to pump like it was about to get out of my chest. So, hint: I am at my saddest when I am the slimmest; and happiest when I am at my ehem "healthiest" ( okay, heaviest. )


The key is : too much of something is never a wise thing.

ps. I have to go to the CR for the nth time. Since last night my farting moment has never ceased. No dairies ( eg. ice cream ) for a lactose intolerant like me T_T ( I must have been really depressed hehe )

***
15 In this meaningless life of mine I have seen both of these:
a righteous man perishing in his righteousness,
and a wicked man living long in his wickedness.

16 Do not be overrighteous,
neither be overwise—
why destroy yourself?

17 Do not be overwicked,
and do not be a fool—
why die before your time?

18 It is good to grasp the one
and not let go of the other.
The man who fears God will avoid all extremes.


Ecclesiastes 7: 15 - 18

Million Voices

Tell me who’d have thought that we would be so controversial
And stand up against the normal
Are we too outspoken, loud, and messing up the comfortable
Well we’ve been messed up also
Yeah, yeah

But how can we be silent
When a fire burns inside of us

Chorus :
‘Cause we’re a million strong and getting stronger still
They’ll remember we were here
With a million voices breaking silence still
They’ll remember we were here

We were made to start the riot, take on the impossible
And we will slay the giants
We are done with fake religion
fighting now to find the movement
Won’t stop till we find it

How can we be silent
When a fire burns inside of us

Chorus :
‘Cause we’re a million strong and getting stronger still
They’ll remember we were here
With a million voices breaking silence still
They’ll remember we were here

We’re a million strong and getting stronger still
They’ll remember we were here
With a million voices breaking silence still
They’ll remember we were here

Chorus :
‘Cause we’re a million strong and getting stronger still
They’ll remember we were here
With a million voices breaking silence still

They’ll remember we were here

They’ll remember we were here

You will remember
Yes you’ll remember

You will remember
Yes you’ll remember

FOCUS.

oh no, I have been absent again!


I have to go to my class. NOW.

bRo-kk--e--ehn

For a child like her.

SURRENDER

is FREEDOM.

Blink

I am happy.
But as of the moment, I'll get solace from reading The Fountainhead, and planning on my exercise regimen.hehe.

The instructions are clear:

1. Don't Assume.
2. Never receive anything unless he'd say "This is now bone of my bones
and flesh of my flesh"; haha cheesy...but yep.

3. Enjoy your single life. Do NOT rush. If God wills things, He'd put them in order.


Thanks Tita Maylene and Tabz, and friends...

I have been intensifying my prayer life these days. I miss God and our conversations...

***
Genesis 2: 18 The LORD God said, "It is not good for the man to be alone. I will make a helper suitable for him."


21 So the LORD God caused the man to fall into a deep sleep; and while he was sleeping, he took one of the man's ribs and closed up the place with flesh. 22 Then the LORD God made a woman from the rib he had taken out of the man, and he BROUGHT HER TO THE MAN.

23 The man said,
"This is now bone of my bones
and flesh of my flesh;
she shall be called 'woman, '
for she was taken out of man."

24 For this reason a man will leave his father and mother and be united to his wife, and they will become one flesh.

25 The man and his wife were both naked, and they felt no shame.

Man of My Dreams

“ I guess I just don’t know what I want”, he said. Those words were said in a voice close to whisper, and only minimal seconds have passed when those words left his mouth. The tinge of sadness there was almost negligible. It was hardly noticeable for anyone. But not for me. He looked down while I looked at him in silence.

He came and was looking at all giddy while announcing to everyone how he might like me, and stuff. I was almost embarrassed for him. The pain was something he was trying to hide. It was a bit of a pain for me to see him like that. I could have been flattered that a man like him would display such a display of interest for me to other people. No less than the people we were close at heart.

But no one else felt “happy” but him for his announcement. Tall, lean, high-bridged nose, fair and flawless complexion, with a high level of wit, and a man of expertise in his field, he was Mr. Perfect for a lot of women. He was the honey for the bees. An enticing chocolate for the sweet tooth.

Not all intellect and beauty could even soothe that emptiness and struggle he had carried for so long---his time and again battle against worldly temptations, sex, and longing for affection from the opposite sex. He was intrinsically rebellious, but somehow sane. He had wanted to put tattoo on his upper arm ( but did not do that because authoritative eyes were on him ). A man, who wanted to pose a sense of pride to everyone, he remained “clean-looking”---so good in appearance, so noble in his position. He gained respect from his constituents and was more than popular in his work place. He was gifted both in appearance and knowledge. No one ever doubted he would have a “good future” that not everyone was privileged to have.

Yet what made this angelic creature with a suppressed rebel inside felt unhappy? All the struggle of the flesh and his desire to please God were always at war. Most of the time, he said, he would fail in his struggle.

All the beautiful women were not amenable to all the people who loved and cared for him. And even though he wanted to deny it: he knew deep inside that even his God disapproved of all the beautiful women he’s had. Sigh. If only he had a woman THEY would approve. And he was trying to convince himself he could like me---the woman who has had crush on him since time immemorial, a woman many people would like for him, most especially, his God.

On contrary to the past women though, physically, I would not pass his standards. He has dated celebrity-looking ladies- Tall, slim, fair and flawless complexion, nice, long hair, feminine structure. The kind of women he could be proud of to more worldly people. But, someone he could not present to his family or even so to his God. He has only done intimacy with them, but not commitment. And he’s gone through the cycle. AND he was tired, empty, and broken.

He refused to go through that again. I was a choice he could have not chosen. However, this time, he knew that if he refused to follow God’s choice for him that he would suffer in the long run. Deep inside, he knew that God was wiser than him. Moreover, That God was very willing to give him the best. He knew that if he sought God first, all things would be added to him as well.

How could he reconcile his desire for himself and God’s desire for him? He seemed to like what God has wanted for him. However, he got scared. He was scared that he would get rejected for the first time from a woman. He thought he wasn’t a match for her.

She would not have looked like the pretty woman in her dreams. She was a woman who was rebellious, yet someone who knew what she wanted. A woman so secure amidst the "bleak path” most people would assume she had. She has possessed the deadliest weapons that no other women he’s met possessed- a sense of character and profound spirituality. It was as if even her presence shook him. The way she made her feel was not the feeling of excitement he’s had with the hot women he’s had and bed with. It was the feeling of deep acceptance for who he was. And the control of not falling in love with him, which most women he’s had did not have. With her, he didn’t need to be handsome or wise, or anyone brilliant. He knew that the woman who might reject him did not need the worldly standards- ones that he had.

He was there, looking at me, while I stood, turned my back, and left.

-jan 15

Repentance

I REPENT!!!

repent ( verb )1 : to turn from sin and dedicate oneself to the amendment of one's life

-www.meriam-webster.com

Just Do It

Disclaimer: Please don’t read this blog entry if you are judgemental, or narrow-minded. This will blow you like a bomb. This is long, heavy, whining, shitty post. However, if you plan on reading this, it is advisable you have a cup of coffee and brownies ( or any pastry ) with you.
***
The fact is, I am not naturally nice and am mean. When I am angry, I am dangerous. It is hard for me to get tamed. Meekness is strength they say. Meekness is the ability to control even when you have the power to do something. Eg. You can say to a person who has terribly hurt you, “F**ck you, damsshyiet you are! “, but you take your tongue to the obedience of Christ, and believe that vengeance is not ours, but God’s.
Anyway, bear with me, this is a very disorganized post, again. As I am disorganized ( literally...let’s start with my curly/wavy/shitty hair which I love ). I dreamt just this day. In my dream, someone told me, “ It does not mean that when it’s difficult, you cannot do it”. I was alarmed because I was afraid it was a dream that came from heaven. Usually, I get revelations through dreams. For some reason, I was feeling nauseated to grasp what that sentence would mean.

Last night, my dad made me feel bad about myself again and threw into my face how little he thought of me because of my “career path”, and how not proud he was of me. So, I decided to move out again of our house. My sister and I planned that we rent and own a house. Of course, since my sister is NOT dependable ( she changes her mind easily and not stick to her decision – that which I hate the most because if I say something, I would fulfil it even to my death ), I told her time and again to be firm on that as I was serious about that.

I want to move not because I hate my dad. I hope I will just stay here with my parents because I love them and want to be with them. And, I know they love me. No parents are perfect. Gratefully, my parents try their best to love me. It’s always the same cycle though of them not thinking greatly of me and not accepting that they have a daughter who is “different”. I am not saying I am different because I am a genius. It’s just that most of the time, people don’t understand me because I don’t think like them. Now, I am exhausted of explaining myself to people. Thus the blog.

First of, I have no desire to be popular or rich for the sake of being popular or rich. I don’t even understand why people think that travelling is luxury when for me, it’s education. That’s the reason I don’t tell them I have been to Australia. It’s because they would think I am in there for “ work or marriage”. When I went there, Filipinas wanted me to meet this Australian, a gardener, or that Australian plumber. I admire Australians really for not defining people by their jobs. So unlike Filipinos ( I’ll tell you why in a moment ). I love Australia. It’s almost perfect. The people are GENEROUS, kind, and nice. They love serving each other and loving their country. SO unlike Filipinos. Their place is clean. Their government almost zero in corruption. It’ almost like utopia. SO unlike the Philippines.

However, I have a heart for the Philippines, amidst its corruption, greed, and filthiness ( both in place and people’s character ). Full of flaws, but people try to cope. They are like people who have been abused and are broken, yet still trying to find their worth as people. Some sacrifice integrity for a cheap form of paper-the bills. But, some remain to be strong and full of faith. And I am one of these Filipinos.

I once told a friend it is improper and rude to ask a person what his work is especially on the first meeting. ( SEE, that’s basic, but many people do that...most Australians don’t do that ). Especially in the Philippines where people define people by what they do. And, that’s uncomfortable for most, especially if their job is menial or what. And whoa, people think of me as a person who works in a “call center”. “ Asa gani kah? Sa Sykes, or sa Etel?” ( wa sa duha ) Great. And because the prideful me wants to show off, I’d say, “ I am an editor in...” As if that makes me a better person than those “call agents”. So, anyway, no one will care. They will only know you work in a call center. So I stop defining myself as an “editor” ( that would only make it hard for me to justify that title hehe..forgive the grammar here). They ARE FREE to think I am a “call girl”. Or a cashier in our cafeteria. Or how about a janitress? Who cares? Ah, well, people care. Welcome to the Philippines.

Second of all, there is another creepy, I-so- abhor measurement of men’s ( take note: FILIPINO INDIVIDUALS ) so called “status”---ENGLISH. How often you say it, how you say it, how correct your grammar is, what words you use ( is it a complex word? just yknow, to prove ones width of vocabulary ) . CRAPPY. Go to America, you brown Americans! I don’t get it. I mean, I am not biased. I love English speaking people as much as Bisaya speaking people. What I hate is that people think they’re smarter or richer than others just by the way they use the language. I used to be one of those who think that way. But now that I have been studying Literature, I have learned that our dialect is much creative if we learn to use it as we use other dialects. Now, I go to our Cebuano service at 2pm with Cebuano songs, Cebuano preaching, and Cebuano-speaking Cebuanos. The masa is more numerous than those rich people here. Why do we have to be like them? We are, after all, Cebuanos. Ang hindi marunong magsalita sa sariling wika...ay pumunta nalang sa Amerika. kidding. but hey, you know what I mean. So stop telling me how poor my English grammar is and that how my blog is such a poorly written piece because of the TECHNICALITY of grammatical structure...why much greater pressure than those Koreans or Japanese when in fact all our countries have the common fact---English is our SECONDARY Language. Remember that.

Okay, last and not the least. This is modern era and not the romantic era---bodies are okay not to look like Angelina Jolie’s body. Men nowadays are smarter. I guess. They don’t look on women simply because they have bodies like a celebrity, but they also dig deeper to women’s sexy brains. I was surprised ( really ), that a guy friend of mine told me to lose weight, and I would be “perfect”. And he said that since “seriously, I am pretty, smart, and faithful ( to God ), I could “get any man I want if my body was better”. Little did he know that he had told me the same thing when we were yet in high school. He said, “ if you had a body like hers ( pointing to one of my friends ), you’d be more likeable”. That statement actually was a statement I have been keeping till college and has been the reason of my distorted body image and low self-esteem. Had he said that in Tyra Banks show, I am so sure he’d get “BOOOoos” from the audience. But, I guess he didn’t know better. I know his intentions are good, but I am very much satisfied and happy with my body, a not too skinny one ( with a normal BMI, not classified as overweight ) , and have believed I can have the right man even with this body type. Because the right man for me is not too shallow to look on the form, but is deep enough to look beyond. So, I told my friend to shut up.

This has been long, and it’s time for me to shut up. Hehe. I had qualms in writing all these thoughts because of the consciousness that I might get judged ( some people think that I am nice and don’t say anything, yet I am actually wicked, only unleashed when writing ). I also had been postponing all my posting of poetries because I have always thought I am BAD at writing poems ( I have actually written a lot of them, but threw them away...got frustrated at how bad they were) . So now, I will post them, with the title “Poems of Shit”. Even I may be vulnerable enough to the judging eyes.

Those eyes are just there to judge. They may be right. But, not all the time. All those people who have mind like those who simply want to get wealth and fame are not so bad as people who are also simple minded, like me, who love knowledge and fulfilment than fame or money. All those superb in English are not better than those people who speak in Bisaya. Those men from the romantic era are not better than the men of the modern time. A pretty “healthy, bigger” body type is not lesser than the “athletic or slim” body type.

I guess, what I just want to say in a capsule is that, we are FREE for self-expression, no matter what social class we’re in, or how we look like ( or how we speak, or how we write poetry ). We are all equal.

“ It does not mean that when it’s difficult, you cannot do it”. In a judgemental society, with all our immaturity, it is hard to prove our worth. ANYWAY,
Just Do It.
***

“There is neither Jew nor Greek, there is neither bond nor free, there is neither male nor female: for ye are all one in Christ Jesus”-Galatians 3:28

Sanity Through Truth

I am hurt. Hurt because some people, including family, friends, and church mates misjudge me. And another friend has told me that I am physically imperfect ( a bit FAT ), thus " I could not get any man I want ". And hurt because I think I am misunderstood by people.

I wish the people I love would understand me. To know me, by the truth. And not by what they seem is true to themselves.

I wish people would know that I KNOW that I am imperfect...that I am NOT talented enough or beautiful enough or KIND enough or even SPIRITUAL enough. REALLY, I KNOW that. I may try to not let them see that I feel so INADEQUATE. but TRUST me. I KNOW I am inadequate.

And because of this, I have all the REASONS not to tell them about Christ's power or strength when I myself am full of weaknesses.

BUT amidst this, Only The truth that comes from Christ strengthens and comforts me. He has given me Love so I know how to love myself despite of my imperfections.

The truth is that no one is Perfect but Him. And that to expect the people who have offended and hurt me to UNDERSTAND me is UNFAIR. For I myself am full of imperfections. For I myself have hurt or offended them even more.


If Christ, the King of kings, who has died for me is willing to forgive me for all my betrayal and disloyalty, will I be more selfish not to forgive those people who have hurt and offended me?

***

" Then you will know the truth, and the truth will set you free." ( John 8:32 )
****

( This is a recent pic. Is this fat??? You be the judge...( your answer may not matter anyway hehe )

Depth

Depth is something that doesn't happen in an instance. To acquire it, one has to face challenges ( physical, mental, spiritual, and emotional ) with victory on his end.
***
I hope that when someone dives into me as a person, they will find more than what meets their eyes. Or what they hear about me.

I hope that I will not declare of my spiritual affinity to Christ, and people will only recognize the vibration of the words being uttered from my mouth. I hope that people will not only hear but even believe it even when my mouth is closed.

SO called "Christians" I have seen them all. With passion and thinking that they think they are Christians. But they are simply hypocrite children of the Light.

That I say not of condemnation, but of reality that I myself have been a hypocrite once in a while...crucifying the One who loves me time and again through my words, actions, and thoughts.
***

Is their depth in your spirituality? DON'T tell me. It's useless.
SHOW me.

Let me see you LOVE your enemy or the people who have offended you. Is your Love for God above your pride and self-preservation?

Have you abandoned your doubt and self will, your self-centered living...for your faith and love for the King of Kings?
Have you loved him through the SURRENDER of your will, your strength, your thoughts...for HIS will, strength, and thoughts?


So shallow are words. So shallow is your presence at church. SO shallow is your lip service.

How deep is your love for God?

Fetus

"Be Friendly", Ate M, my "guardian", told me after "ignoring" the man (I used to have a crush on )who tried to talk with me the last time. I don't know. So many times, my being "friendly" with guys results to misinterpretation on their species part. I'm not going to start to complicate my life, thank you very much.


Anyway, I promised her I'd be friendly next time...(@_@)
***

Fetus starts with an egg and a sperm. A few chromosomes make up the microscopic cells. It multiplies, until it becomes big. Until the organs are formed. Nine months later, the FULL term is already waging war against his mother's vagina. Until he gets out and sees the world. And he is no longer called, "fetus", but a baby, or a little human being.

***

I am a fetus. So underdeveloped. Not ready yet of the outside world. And REALLY, I don't like it if I'm treated like a grown up. Look at me, I'm JUST a fetus. If you let me out on my 16th week, I'd die here at CCMC. Okay. stop forcing me to be expelled like a wiggly worm from your anal canal.

I need to grow yet. SO be patient...

***

The lullaby of my mom lulls me to sleep as I sip another teaspoonful of amniotic fluid of my Writing class inside this amniotic sac-home for a fetus like me. gUUlp!

Daul on Art

I have just arrived home. Dreaming of holding a guitar like a baby once again. Loving it, with its beautiful cries resound in the air as I strum its strings.

Immature artists convince themselves and others that they ARE artists. According to Daul, Art should not be bragged about. Careful, careful. If you'd let Daul, a painter and model, look on your piece of art, while blabbing tirelessly about it ( especially if she doesn't like it ), she might tell you ( but would not tell you upfront, just speaking to herself...a curse on her Korean descent ), "Is that ART?!" Except that now, she will never speak like it...because she's six feet under the ground. hehe.

I had never considered myself an artist since I had been intimidated with all those superb ones. No match for them, I'd say. The only indication that I could be one was the time no one ate my food.

Art is never focused on just music, or painting, or fashion. Or one aspect of it. I believe that artists cannot stop themselves from expression. Whether they put nuts on their spaghetti or black pepper on their carbonara.

Art is everywhere so long as one uses his senses. I dance with an abstract painting. I paint with a colorful novel. I listen to a ballet dancer dancing to a muted music.

I have to stop. Need to talk with Howard Roak of The Fountainhead. Or, maybe I'll just meet with him in my sleep, strumming a happy tune with my guitar.

2010’s First

This year, I want to awaken my artistic soul. I’m deprived, I’d claim. Ever since young, I had a fascination for art of any kind. Yet, I didn’t have a formal background on anything. Stop. I will stop the self-pity now....

Music, painting, writing, and dancing. I would somehow concentrate on these.

I would not blame anyone for my lack of success or progress on these “disciplines” because I lack discipline. Idleness is a disease I have been nursing.

Today, I have finished the novel, “One Hundred Years Of Solitude” by Garcia-Marquez, a book which I only started reading yesterday. I’m quite proud to have finished it for a short time. That kind, or thickness of that kind would usually take me a week or two to finish. His story would not normally appeal to me, especially that sensuality is so much a part of the book; if the novel were a man, sexuality would be like the normal breathing of it. The novel has so many main characters, about 10 to 15. There are characters, like Amaranta and Remedios, whom I could so much relate to;, that it made me happy someone understood who I was by portraying these characters. Strong woman, not easily entangled by romantic wiles of the males, knows what she’s doing, and under control of her emotions ( including sexual passions ). However, women who are most portrayed in the book are the opposite. I consider women who cannot control their lusty appetite as weak. More so, those women who are deceived by men’s venomous charms.

Anyway, I’m a bit bothered that I had been absent so many a times in my classes for my Masters. This year, I promise I will NEVER be absent.

At 10:53pm, I should finish cling clanging myself because my eyes start to do the cha-cha.