Man of My Dreams

“ I guess I just don’t know what I want”, he said. Those words were said in a voice close to whisper, and only minimal seconds have passed when those words left his mouth. The tinge of sadness there was almost negligible. It was hardly noticeable for anyone. But not for me. He looked down while I looked at him in silence.

He came and was looking at all giddy while announcing to everyone how he might like me, and stuff. I was almost embarrassed for him. The pain was something he was trying to hide. It was a bit of a pain for me to see him like that. I could have been flattered that a man like him would display such a display of interest for me to other people. No less than the people we were close at heart.

But no one else felt “happy” but him for his announcement. Tall, lean, high-bridged nose, fair and flawless complexion, with a high level of wit, and a man of expertise in his field, he was Mr. Perfect for a lot of women. He was the honey for the bees. An enticing chocolate for the sweet tooth.

Not all intellect and beauty could even soothe that emptiness and struggle he had carried for so long---his time and again battle against worldly temptations, sex, and longing for affection from the opposite sex. He was intrinsically rebellious, but somehow sane. He had wanted to put tattoo on his upper arm ( but did not do that because authoritative eyes were on him ). A man, who wanted to pose a sense of pride to everyone, he remained “clean-looking”---so good in appearance, so noble in his position. He gained respect from his constituents and was more than popular in his work place. He was gifted both in appearance and knowledge. No one ever doubted he would have a “good future” that not everyone was privileged to have.

Yet what made this angelic creature with a suppressed rebel inside felt unhappy? All the struggle of the flesh and his desire to please God were always at war. Most of the time, he said, he would fail in his struggle.

All the beautiful women were not amenable to all the people who loved and cared for him. And even though he wanted to deny it: he knew deep inside that even his God disapproved of all the beautiful women he’s had. Sigh. If only he had a woman THEY would approve. And he was trying to convince himself he could like me---the woman who has had crush on him since time immemorial, a woman many people would like for him, most especially, his God.

On contrary to the past women though, physically, I would not pass his standards. He has dated celebrity-looking ladies- Tall, slim, fair and flawless complexion, nice, long hair, feminine structure. The kind of women he could be proud of to more worldly people. But, someone he could not present to his family or even so to his God. He has only done intimacy with them, but not commitment. And he’s gone through the cycle. AND he was tired, empty, and broken.

He refused to go through that again. I was a choice he could have not chosen. However, this time, he knew that if he refused to follow God’s choice for him that he would suffer in the long run. Deep inside, he knew that God was wiser than him. Moreover, That God was very willing to give him the best. He knew that if he sought God first, all things would be added to him as well.

How could he reconcile his desire for himself and God’s desire for him? He seemed to like what God has wanted for him. However, he got scared. He was scared that he would get rejected for the first time from a woman. He thought he wasn’t a match for her.

She would not have looked like the pretty woman in her dreams. She was a woman who was rebellious, yet someone who knew what she wanted. A woman so secure amidst the "bleak path” most people would assume she had. She has possessed the deadliest weapons that no other women he’s met possessed- a sense of character and profound spirituality. It was as if even her presence shook him. The way she made her feel was not the feeling of excitement he’s had with the hot women he’s had and bed with. It was the feeling of deep acceptance for who he was. And the control of not falling in love with him, which most women he’s had did not have. With her, he didn’t need to be handsome or wise, or anyone brilliant. He knew that the woman who might reject him did not need the worldly standards- ones that he had.

He was there, looking at me, while I stood, turned my back, and left.

-jan 15